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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.